Hello! I hope your new year is off to a wonderful start. And if it’s not, if you’re going through a time when there is nothing “happy” about the start of a new year, I get it. That’s just how it is at times. I wish you strength and peace.
Today, I want to give you a few examples of what self-compassion looks like and share a simple practice for you to try out. But let’s begin with what self-compassion doesn’t look like.
“You’re not good enough.”
“That was so stupid of you.”
“How could you make such a silly mistake?”
“You’re such a fraud.”
“You’re a complete failure.”
How often do you say things like that to people around you?
How often do you say such things to yourself?
Self-compassion researcher Kristin Neff has found that most of us tend to be much harder on ourselves than we are on other people. In fact, she argues that most people won’t say such harsh words even to people we don’t like.
Why do we do this to ourselves, then?
Many people think that this is a way to motivate ourselves to do better. We worry that self-compassion means letting ourselves off the hook. However, think about this for a moment.
If you made a mistake at work and shared your worries about the repercussions with a friend, what would be a helpful response?
“That was pretty dumb. How could you do that?”
“I am not surprised. You are pretty bad at most things.”
“You don’t deserve that job anyway.”
OR, something along the lines of:
“That sucks. I am so sorry to hear that.”
“That must feel scary. Can I do something to help?”
“I know this feels like a pretty big deal right now. But you’re human and we all make mistakes. What can you do to make things right?”
When we are feeling down, we don’t need another kick in the pants in order to motivate ourselves to do better. That might “work” at times, but is a problematic approach for sustained motivation. But when we’re met with kindness, encouragement, and a bit of perspective during difficult times, we’re much more likely to take useful, constructive action.
The same is true of our inner worlds. If you keep beating yourself up when you going through something challenging, you will find yourself operating from a place of fear and anxiety rather than true desire and motivation. But if you can find ways to turn to your own suffering with compassion, you will find yourself moving forward with more lightness and freedom.
So, what exactly can you do in order to be more self-compassionate?
Here’s a simple, 3-step process to take a “self-compassion break” when you’re in pain. This practice comes from Dr. Kristin Neff.
1) Acknowledge that you’re experiencing suffering (“This is a moment of suffering.”)
2) Remind yourself that everyone experiences suffering (“Suffering is a part of life.”)
3) Remind yourself to be kind to yourself, saying something that would bring you comfort (“May I learn to accept myself as I am.”)
The next time you find yourself consumed by self-critical thoughts, try turning towards yourself with kindness and compassion and notice what happens.