In the first couple of weeks of January, I shared a few examples of what self-compassion looks like and invited you to reflect on something you want to grow in your life. Today, I want to introduce you to the 3 core components of self-compassion as per Dr. Kristin Neff, who has studied this topic for decades. I will also share a personal story about how overcoming my resistance to being kind to myself helped me improve my relationships.
Three Core Components of Self-compassion
1. Mindfulness, which entails recognizing our suffering. Unless we know we’re in pain, we can’t really do something about it. E.g.
- “This is a moment of suffering.”
- “I notice that I am feeling sad.”
- “This is making me feel frustrated.”
2. Common Humanity, which is all about reminding ourselves that we’re not the only ones suffering and that suffering is an integral part of being human. E.g.
- “Suffering is a part of life.”
- “Everyone feels sad from time to time.”
- “Frustration is a common human experience.”
3. Self-kindness, which involves actively soothing ourselves when we’re in pain. E.g.
- “May I give myself the compassion I need.”
- “I know it hurts. It’s going to be okay.”
- “It’s okay to feel frustrated. May I be kind to myself in this moment.”
My Resistance to Self-kindness
When I started practicing self-compassion, mindfulness and common humanity made a lot of sense. Of course, I needed to notice when I was suffering in order to do something about it. And it also made sense that all humans have experiences of joy and suffering. It was the self-kindness part of self-compassion that I couldn’t fully get behind for a long time.
Wasn’t it self-indulgent to be kind to myself?
Wasn’t self-kindness akin to letting myself off the hook and to stop making efforts to improve myself? How would I achieve anything in life if I wasn’t pushing myself with critical self-talk?
Wasn’t I supposed to feel guilty and ashamed for my mistakes and shortcomings?
With questions like these, I kept resisting the idea of being kind to myself.
Here was the problem, though: there were areas of my life where I just felt stuck. No amount of trying to motivate myself with tough talk was working out. For instance, one of the things I really wanted to cultivate was patience in my close relationships. Every time I snapped at a loved one, I would regret it and wish I had behaved differently. But even though I was beating myself up every time I lost my patience, I wasn’t actually able to change my behavior reliably.
The Turning Point
The turning point came when a teacher helped me get past my resistance and practice self-kindness. When I actually experienced self-kindness, it felt like I was putting soothing balm on a painful wound I had been trying to get rid of by scraping it. Self-kindness led to a feeling of being loved, understood, and accepted even in my worst moments. It was a refreshing change from how I usually felt during such times.
And the best part is that this change is already having a positive impact on my relationships. Because I can now more effectively comfort myself when I am in pain, I don’t need to take my frustration out on other people. In addition, being able to see my own flaws with love and acceptance rather than judgment makes it easier for me to offer others the same grace. Overall, then, being kind to myself is making me kinder and more patient with other people.
I want to be clear: it’s not that I have now figured everything out and never snap at my loved ones anymore. But that’s the beauty of self-compassion. You don’t need to be perfect in order to experience it. You just need to be an imperfect human like everyone else. And the more you allow yourself to be kind to yourself, the easier it will become to actually bring about the changes you care about.
Over to You
Pick something in your life you want to change but haven’t been able to. What do you want to grow? Where do you feel frustrated and stuck? What is one thing you constantly beat yourself up about?
Once you have something in mind, I invite you to practice the three components of self-compassion: notice when the frustration comes up, remind yourself that you’re not alone in feeling this way, and find a way to actively comfort yourself in the moment.
Oh, and by the way, if you find yourself unable to do this, notice how you’re responding. Are you judging yourself for judging yourself? Are you getting upset with yourself for not knowing how to be kind to yourself? Are you running out of patience for how challenging this is?
If yes, great. That is also an opportunity to practice self-compassion. I know it’s frustrating. You’re not alone in this experience. It’s going to be okay.