Yashi Srivastava

by

Your Worst Boss Might Be...YOU? Here’s How to Curb Your Inner Backlash.

You might’ve worked with, or heard about, the boss from hell.

You know the one. The boss who latches on to your mistakes but ignores your accomplishments. The one who tracks the number of hours you spent in office but conveniently forgets that you alsoworked on the weekend. One who was born with the sole purpose of making your life miserable.

But what do you do when your boss from hell is not another person, but you yourself?

When I Met My Mean Boss in the Mirror

In 2016, I started a business and became my own boss. I was done with the corporate grind, burnout, and answering to someone else. I was ready for joy, freedom, and afternoon naps.

And while I didn’t expect entrepreneurship to be a stroll in the park, I was completely unprepared for one of my biggest challenges: I was, without a doubt, the worst boss I had ever had in my life.

Mean boss in the mirror. Photo by Taylor Smith on Unsplash.

I distinctly remember the moment this realization dawned upon me: it was the end of a day that hadn’t been very “productive.” The early years of setting up my business were full of fears, self-doubt, and isolation. On this particular day, as I wrapped up my work, my “boss” began the backlash:

You’ve wasted the whole day.

You’re so incompetent at building a business.

You’re never going to make it.

I was sitting at my desk in my home-office, heart heavy, tears about to roll out of my eyes. And that’s when it struck me: If anyone else in the world had said those things to me, I would have been enraged. I would have pushed back, saying they had no right to be so mean to me. I would have pointed to all that I had learned that day, and the progress I did make. I might even have told them to check their negativity bias. And yet, I took all that crap from the mean voice in my head, no questions asked.

I couldn’t help but ask myself: if I wasn’t going to allow anyone else to treat me so poorly, why on earth was I doing it to myself? Was that the kind of boss I wanted to be?

The Boss I Wanted to Be

The answer, of course, was an emphatic no. I wanted to be a wonderful boss to myself: one who gave out “spot bonuses” when I had a win, and offered honest feedback AND support when I dropped the ball. One who recognized my potential and challenged me to grow without belittling me. One who gifted me decadent spa vouchers on my birthday.

Alas, the shift to being a better boss to myself was easier said than done.

On the bright side, I learned that I wasn’t alone. According to Kristin Neff, the leading researcher on the topic of self-compassion, most of us are our own worst critics. We say things to ourselves we wouldn’t say even to people we don’t like. Like most of us, I found it easier to be kind, forgiving, and generous to other people than to myself.

On an even brighter note, Neff’s research finds that we can all learn to be more self-compassionate, thereby becoming better bosses for ourselves in our lives.

“Remember, you have been criticizing yourself for years and it hasn’t worked. Try approving of yourself and see what happens.” 

– Louise L. Hay

How to Curb Your Inner Backlash: A Simple Script

There are many ways to practice self-compassion. But here’s a quick, simple practice I often recommend to my coaching clients: the self-compassion break.

According to Neff, self-compassion has three components: mindfulness (bringing neutral awareness to your suffering,) common humanity (recognizing that suffering is a part of life and that you’re not alone) and self-kindness (actively offering yourself grace and kindness.)

When you find yourself caught up in the criticisms of your inner boss, use the following script to give yourself a break:

  1. Mindfulness: I notice that my inner boss is being loud and critical.
  2. Common humanity: Many people struggle with a harsh inner critic. I am not alone in this experience.
  3. Self-kindness: I don’t have to believe everything this voice tells me. May I learn to be kind to myself.

Cultivating self-compassion in my life has been transformative. I am now the kind of boss I had envisioned myself to be. I recently celebrated the 9th anniversary of my business publicly, even though it felt awkward. It was lovely to be recognized by my boss 😉

If You’re Anything Like Me, You Need to Hear This

If you’re sitting there, thinking self-compassion will make you “weak, ” “complacent” or “lazy” — I get it. Trust me, I’ve been there.

But you know what? That’s your mean boss talking. Because the fact that you chose to read this article tells me that you recognize the harm this critical voice is doing to you, and that you want a break from it. Now, you have an alternative to experiment with.

Because even if your inner boss insists that fear-based motivation “works,” it also costs you your peace of mind and well-being. Self-compassion, on the other hand, is a gentler, more sustainable way to motivate yourself.

The Bottomline

If you are tired of the crushing management style of your (inner) boss from hell, give self-compassion a chance. You might be surprised to find that it doesn’t just make you a better boss to yourself, but also a better leader, spouse, parent, friend, and human being to those around you.