As an introverted entrepreneur, I like to spend a lot of time reading, reflecting, and creating by myself. I try to design my weeks in a way that gives me open, interruption-free mental space (e.g. I set aside 2-3 days a week where I am not on calls.) However, things often don’t go as planned. I often end up taking on too much, leaving little time for myself. In addition, life with two little kids can be unpredictable. One or the other is often unwell, and because my husband and I stay far away from our families, a sick kid means at least one of us has to take time off work. Thankfully, both of us have flexible schedules and can take turns working and caring for the kids. However, there are days when a last-minute change to my plans sets me off. Today I want to share how I am learning to navigate things not going my way through self-compassion and an added lens of spirituality.

A Recent Example

The past few weeks have been relatively busy and I was in dire need of some fully open days. So, I made sure I had Wednesday and Thursday this week free of any work-related calls. On Tuesday evening, I was excited to have two whole days to myself. But as luck would have it, my younger daughter came down with a low-grade fever. Here’s how different versions of me (would’ve) responded to the situation.  

1. The Self-critical Me: Until a year ago, situations like this would have me feel very conflicted. On the one hand, there was the reality: an unwell child who needed to stay home under care and attention. On the other hand, were all my plans for the day: But I was looking forward to having this time to myself! I had so much planned! I was going to make progress on important goals and now they’ll have to wait!

This conflict would soon have me go down a shame spiral: how could I be thinking about work when my child was not well? What kind of a mother was I? What was important here?

So there I would be, disappointed, and then upset with myself for being disappointed. And even though I would prioritize my child’s well-being, it was only partially coming from a place of love and care for her; it was also being driven by the shame of “not being a good mother.”

I was arguably doing the right thing, but not necessarily for all the right reasons. I felt terrible about myself through it all and was not at my best as a parent or as a spouse.

But with self-compassion, the same situation went down differently. 

2. The Self-compassionate Me: On Tuesday, when I first realized that my kid had a fever, my initial reaction was still feeling disappointed. I was looking forward to having an open day to myself and now that wasn’t going to happen. But because I have been practicing being kind to myself, I approached my reaction differently using the three components of self-compassion:  

Mindfulness: I am very disappointed that I won’t get to spend my day as I had envisioned.

Common humanity: It’s a natural human reaction to feel disappointed when things don’t go as planned. There’s nothing wrong with feeling that way. 

Self-kindness: I know it feels like a big deal right now, but it’s going to be okay. You’ll be fine. I love you.

Within a few minutes, I had acknowledged my reality – that I was disappointed and that it was a normal human reaction. Instead of going down the negative spiral of shame and self-blame, I simply readjusted my expectations for the day. It wasn’t going to be how I had envisioned it to be, but how could I make things work based on my new reality? Could I partner with my husband and find ways to balance childcare with work-related priorities? 

In the end, it turned out to be a pretty good day. My daughter stayed home (she was fine and playful.) Both my husband and I were able to get some work done. I was also able to make a bunch of phone calls to people I’ve been meaning to connect with (with my daughter making occasional video appearances.) And importantly, I felt positive through most of the experience and showed up as a better version of myself in my relationships. 

3. The Spiritual Me: As most of you know, I have been on a spiritual journey over the past year. One principle I am trying to apply in my life at the moment is that everything happens for a reason and that life experiences bring us lessons we are meant to learn. 

So, I wondered: what’s the lesson here for me?

I think it’s this: life as a parent is always going to be unpredictable in some ways. If I need time to myself, I need to create that time within the boundaries of my reality as a parent. The more open I am to embracing uncertainty about things I can’t control, the smoother life will feel. In other words, if I strengthen my ability to let go of how I think things should be and learn to be with what is, I may be more resilient.  

Over to you
What is something in your life you think “should” be different? Why? What might happen if you allowed it to exist exactly as it is? What if you met the experience with openness and yourself with compassion? And also, what is the lesson this experience is trying to teach you?