“I don’t have enough self-discipline.”

Yet another coaching client sits in front of me, frustrated with his inability to do what he KNOWS is good for him and the people he loves. This client, let’s call him Ted, was recently promoted and is still finding his footing in his new role. He feels like he’s falling short at work as well as at home. Ted signed-up for coaching because he wants to have a bigger impact at work while being there for his family. He thinks he is struggling because he is not “disciplined enough.”

Frankly, I am fed up.

I am sick and tired of the prevalent, rarely questioned narrative that discipline is the answer to all our struggles with personal growth and behaviour change.

Dictionary.com defines discipline as “the practice of training people to obey rules or a code of behavior, using punishment to correct disobedience.” Despite its punitive nature, or perhaps because of it, discipline is often touted as a superpower. When you are disciplined, the argument goes, you take better care of yourself. You exercise, eat well, and meditate. You manage your finances well. You are in control of your emotions, your life, your destiny. But if you lack discipline, all sorts of problems arise: poor health habits, financial struggles, relationship woes.

Let me begin by clarifying that I am in agreement with the benefits of discipline. With discipline, life has the potential to be so much better. I am not here to argue against the merits of a disciplined life. What I want to challenge is the notion that discipline is the only way to make worthwhile progress on meaningful goals. Because my lived experience contradicts the idea that without discipline, you’re doomed.

Everyday, I see people struggle with making progress on important goals. People who genuinely want to become better versions of themselves. People who are truly trying but feel stuck. Bought into the narrative about discipline as the ultimate virtue, they blame themselves for their inability to control their behaviour, which leads to feelings of shame and inadequacy, which further demoralizes them and keeps them stuck. It’s a vicious cycle.

What I am interested in is shifting this conversation towards a more hopeful direction.

Why do I care

When I was a teenager, I loved writing. I would spend hours in my room, huddled in a corner with a notebook and a pen, scribbling away stories, poems, and thoughts about life. As I grew older, “practicalities” took over. I drifted away from writing and into the world or workplace productivity and financial rewards. I enjoyed my work, but every now and then, something felt amiss. And one day, attending a corporate training shook my world.

The training was based on Stephen Covey’s book — The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People. It was designed to help participants reflect on the bigger picture of their lives. We reflected on what mattered most to us. We imagined celebrating our 80th birthday. And towards the end, we were shown a video followed by a reflection prompt: If life was a painting and you were the artist, what would you paint? I still remember watching that video and being moved to tears. It stirred something within me and I left with utter clarity: I was meant to write.

That was 2010. It became the year when I first started a blog and started sharing my words with the world. But it also became the year when writing went from being a joyful, solitary activity to something that required me to be seen like never before. And while a part of me was fulfilled by it, there was so much of me that was downright terrified of being vulnerable.

When it came to writing, I spent much of my time between 2010 and 2022 fighting these inner battles. I wanted to write. I longed to write. There were times when I did write. But it wasn’t consistent. It was rarely joyful. And there was always this ache in my heart, this confusion, about why I couldn’t bring myself to “just be disciplined” about writing — an activity I loved so much, a pursuit I was potentially put on this planet for.

In the end, I did find my way out of that misery. I have now been writing joyfully and consistently for almost three years. After a decade-long struggle, it feels like magic. But it wasn’t discipline that got me here. I had a breakthrough because I found another approach.

That’s why when I see coaching clients — or anyone else for that matter — beat themselves up for not being disciplined enough, my heart goes out to them. I want them to know that discipline is not the only way to accomplish what you want in your life. There is a gentler alternative: inner alignment.

Inner alignment: An alternative to discipline

We seek discipline because we want to show up differently. We want to take better care of our health and well-being. We want to make progress on our creative pursuits. We want to be better versions of ourselves in our relationships. So often, we struggle with this not because we lack discipline, but because we feel conflicted. Parts of us want something, while other parts of us pull us in a different direction.

For example:

Part A: I want to write more consistently.

Part B: You’ve been saying that for years. You’re lazy. It’s not happening.

Part C: You have nothing useful to say. Why bother?

OR, consider this:

Part A: We need to start exercising.

Part B: Yeah, but we never stick to it. What’s the point?

Part C: Exercise is BORING!

Part D: Not everything in life can be FUN, you know? Grow up!

Here’s one more:

Part A: I hate my job! I want to quit and do something else!

Part B: Are you crazy? Have you looked at the economy?

Part C: You should be grateful you have a job. Don’t be so entitled.

And so, the creative pursuit, the exercise routine, the desire for fulfillment — all stay buried inside of us. Never seeing the light of day.

Now imagine if instead of inner conflict, there was inner alignment:

Part A: I want to write more consistently.

Part B: We’ve been saying that for years. Can we try to understand what’s keeping us stuck?

Part C: I worry that we don’t have anything useful to say, but it’s also true that in the end, we’ll regret not even trying.

OR:

Part A: We need to start exercising.

Part B: I agree, but maybe let’s start small this time. We tend to overdo it, quit, and then feel bad.

Part C: How about doing something with a friend? That would be fun and also create some accountability.

And finally:

Part A: I hate my job! I want to quit and do something else!

Part B: I hear you, but we don’t know what we would do. Maybe we start figuring that out first by talking to people?

Part C: This job isn’t great but it pays the bills. How about we take a more balanced view and not focus only on the negatives?

Do you feel the difference?

When conflicted, we are stuck. When aligned, we have possibilities.

Inner alignment doesn’t imply delusional optimism, irresponsible risk-taking, or toxic positivity. It’s a state where all parts of us — our mind, body, heart, and soul — are in harmony.

Here’s what I know: when our inner worlds are aligned, things flow more smoothly. Action feels effortless. Progress becomes inevitable.

After chronic stuckness, it feels like magic.

How to build inner alignment

If you can see the potential of inner alignment, you might be wondering: how do I create more alignment?

While lasting inner alignment requires deep inner work, here are three simple experiments to try:

1. Take quiet walks: Choose a 30-minute block — anytime during the week — to go for a quiet walk. Quiet, because it’s a solo walk where you are not listening to an audiobook or a podcast and not talking on the phone. Quiet walks have the potential to energize the body, clear the mind, nourish the heart, and make room for you to hear the whispers of your soul. It is a powerful practice to start building inner alignment.

2. Journal: Journaling is also an effective practice to start building inner alignment, especially if you do it using a pen and paper rather than on your laptop. It also engages the mind, body, heart, and soul. Some simple questions you can use as prompts:

• What feels aligned in my life? What feels misaligned?
• What am I learning from being in my current situation?
• What would I like to shift?
• What’s my smallest next step?
• Who can I ask for support?

3. Seek support, but trust yourself: While I am introspective and constantly work on my personal growth, my biggest breakthroughs have come not by trying to figure it out all by myself, but by working with someone who seemed to have figured out what I was missing in my life. It could be a therapist, a coach, a mentor, a colleague, or a friend. The idea isn’t for them to give you the “right” answer, but to guide you in a direction that feels resonant for you. Because at the end of the day, no one else can tell you how to live your life. But you also don’t have to do it all alone and keep beating yourself up for a supposed lack of self-discipline.

In case you’re curious, all of these practices were game-changing for my client Ted. He recently reported feeling like a much more effective leader, husband, and father — without the grind of forced discipline.

To summarize: Ditch discipline if you need to

If discipline works for you, good for you. Honestly, I envy you. But if you can’t seem to muster enough self-discipline even after everything you’ve tried, it is okay to try something else. Because in the end, what’s important isn’t that you lived a disciplined life, but that you lived a life that was true to you, a life where you showed up and made progress on what matters to you.

If discipline doesn’t work for you, ditch it. Try inner alignment, or find another way. Whatever helps you show up better for yourself and the people you love.