Over the past few months, I have had a relatively steady practice of self-compassion. I have learned to turn inward with kindness when dealing with difficult situations at work and in life. This approach usually helps me feel better and approach the challenge more constructively. However, a few days ago, I had a different experience. I learned an important lesson about the nuances of self-compassion.
What Happened
It was a Tuesday morning. I wanted to sign-up both my kids and myself for swimming lessons at a pool near our home. The spots were limited and likely to fill up within a few minutes of registration opening. The registration was supposed to open at 8 am and I was fully prepared. I had blocked time on my calendar. I had enlisted my husband to get the kids ready for school and daycare so that I could focus on the bookings. There were 4 slots available in my kindergartner’s age group, 10 in my toddler’s age group, and 6 in the adult age group. I had the three web pages open for all three lessons and was closely watching the countdown timer waiting for the “Enroll now” button to become active. Exactly at 8 am, it was time to execute my mission.
A tiny voice inside me whispered something about prioritizing things based on how many slots were available. But I was focused on booking slots for my kids first. Unfortunately, by the time I got to the adult booking page, the slots were already full. I did book slots for both of my kids but felt quite disappointed at missing out on booking swim lessons for myself. Even after a couple of hours, a part of me was upset about the mistake and wasn’t letting it go.
I told you to prioritize better.
Why didn’t you listen to me?
Now we’re stuck and can’t do anything about it.
When these thoughts continued to arise, I tried to resolve the situation by using the three components of self-compassion.
Mindfulness: I know we made a mistake.
Common humanity: Everyone makes mistakes from time to time.
Self-kindness: It’s going to be okay.
But to my surprise, it didn’t help. The critical voice continued to batter me. And then I remembered something researcher Kristin Neff talks about:
“We give ourselves compassion not to feel better but because we feel bad.”
What I Learned
The truth was, a part of me was really upset about what had happened. What I was trying to do was to make this part of me feel better by giving it compassion so that I could move on with my day. But that’s not what self-compassion is about. We can’t manipulate our way out of our difficult emotions. Self-compassion is about genuinely acknowledging that we’re suffering, reminding ourselves of our common humanity, and being kind to ourselves in the process. In other words, the goal is not to feel better – that’s more of a byproduct. The goal is to unconditionally love and accept ourselves in our moments of suffering.
When I had this realization, I stopped what I was doing. I slowed down and turned to the critical voice again. I created space for it to vent, to tell me what was bothering it. When I became genuinely open, it shared a deeper feeling: I am really sad we missed out on booking that appointment. I was really looking forward to that experience.
Yes. I agreed.
It sucks that we missed out on booking that appointment.
I am sorry I wasn’t more attentive to what you were trying to tell me. I know you were excited about swim lessons. I was looking forward to them too.
Once it felt heard, the part settled down. There was still some sadness around the missed opportunity but there was no more critical self-talk. I was able to move forward with my day.
So often, when we experience challenging emotions, we tend to ignore, avoid, or shut them down. I don’t have time for this, we tell ourselves. What’s done is done, let’s move on! Is another common commandment. But the more we try to get away from feeling our difficult feelings, the more persistent they become. And, they find an outlet one way or another. We may snap at loved ones for no apparent reason, mindlessly reach for snacks even when we’re not hungry, watching Netflix as an escape. (Just in case you’re wondering, I am guilty of all those things.) However, most such approaches do not help us in the long term.
Self-compassion, on the other hand, enables us to address the issue at a deeper level in a simple, effective way.
How You Can Apply This
Think about this in your own life. How do you respond to your difficult emotions? With avoidance, judgment, mistrust? Or with curiosity and compassion?
Next time you feel bad about something, instead of turning away from the emotion, try turning towards it in a kind and compassionate way. And do so not to feel better, but because you, as a human being, deserve compassion in a moment of suffering.