When I was in my twenties, I experienced a series of crushing heartbreaks. From unrequited love to deep friendships that didn’t last to people I trusted letting me down, I went through painful experiences involving other people over and over again. Each time, I picked myself up and tried to move forward, only to get hurt again. Eventually, in my late twenties, through a lot of reading, reflection, and work with a therapist, I learned an important lesson: I couldn’t control anyone else’s behavior. All I could do was take responsibility for how I was showing up.
At the time, this insight was incredibly liberating and brought me a lot of peace. I felt free and empowered to live my life based on what I could control. However, there was one thing I didn’t realize until a few years ago. Among other things, my heartbreaks had taught me that at the end of the day, I was on my own. Because I couldn’t rely on other people to behave a certain way, trusting them with my heart meant I was vulnerable to being hurt. In addition to learning that I couldn’t control other people, I had also learned that living with an open heart was painful. And I didn’t want to keep experiencing that pain.
So, as I moved forward in my life, I put up a wall around my heart to keep it safe from getting hurt. Except for my husband and a handful of close relationships that still seemed worthy of trust, I approached connecting with others with an added layer of caution. I wanted the wall around my heart to be solid and unshakeable. So, while I still had a social life, I often held myself back from being too deeply involved. Why take the risk? I was happy in my shell.
This arrangement seemed to work well for a while. I went about life with a safe, protected heart and didn’t experience truly crushing heartbreaks anymore. And when I did experience disappointments in relationships, they were easier to handle. I just needed to keep reminding myself what I had learned: it was no one’s fault but mine to have expected anything of anyone.
But then, in 2020, soon after the pandemic hit, I discovered that my purpose in life is to bring more peace through my presence. There was only one problem: I was not at peace in my own life.
Don’t get me wrong. On many levels, my life was great. I had a wonderful husband, an adorable daughter (and another on the way.) Everyone in my family was healthy and keeping well. Even with its ups and downs, I found my work engaging and meaningful.
But deep down?
Deep down, I knew I wasn’t living the life I was meant to live.
I wasn’t writing much.
I wasn’t even close to making peace with my parents.
I wasn’t being the fearless entrepreneur I wanted to be.
I wasn’t being the spouse, friend, and family member I wanted to be.
And worst of all for me: I was far from being the mother I had always thought I would be.
In my quest to protect my heart from pain, I had stopped connecting with myself and others at a deeper level. This was adversely impacting most areas of my life that I cared about. Deep down, I knew how much meaningful connection mattered to me, but being able to do something about it required me to face the reality of how I had been living.
In 2020, I realized that to be at peace, I needed to open up my heart again. I needed to cultivate more love, compassion, and forgiveness in my heart and let go of the hurt and pain I had experienced in the past. This was the only way I could approach relationships with more openness, even if it meant experiencing heartbreaks from time to time.
But while 2020 gave me clarity about what I needed to do, I wasn’t yet ready to act on it. The wall around my heart had started cracking, but it would take a bit more time before I finally let it start crumbling.
2022 turned out to be the year when I was finally ready to live more open-heartedly. I want to share some significant highlights:
1. I realized that the issues I wanted to resolve were not cognitive in nature. I couldn’t think my way out of them – as was my preferred way of doing things. My issues involved deep emotions and potentially, past trauma. They lived in my body. I tried therapy again but it wasn’t clicking. Working with a spiritual teacher skilled in somatic work is what actually helped me. I resolved some past trauma, learned a lot about the role of my body in my effective functioning, and experienced a deep transformation from the inside out. While my journey continues, my experience so far has been pretty phenomenal.
2. I realized that the essence of life, for me, is living in an open-hearted way. Yes, it can be painful, at times. But open-hearted living is also where my deepest joys come from. And I can’t pick and choose. I can either embrace it all or numb myself to everything. Once this became clear, the choice felt obvious. I wanted to live life fully. With all its messiness and beauty, heartache and joy.
3. I realized that writing is one of my favorite ways to live in an open-hearted connection with myself as well as with others. My writing style tends to be self-reflective. I have always enjoyed writing about my life experiences and what I am learning from them. My best writing comes from my heart, and that’s the writing that touches other people. Through writing, I meet myself. When I am in connection with myself, I am in connection with all of you. Because in the end, it is our common humanity that binds us together.
By the end of 2022, my heart had started softening. I have definitely felt more open as a result. I will likely continue this work for the rest of my life, but I am grateful that I have been writing more consistently and have started experiencing deeper love, compassion, and forgiveness in my heart not just for other people, but also for myself.
Why am I telling you all this?
Because if, like me, you’re living with a guarded heart and are longing for greater joy and deeper connection in your life, I want you to know that it is possible for you to have those things.
I also want you to know that this work takes time. If you know you want to change something but don’t feel ready for it, that’s okay. If it matters enough for your journey, you will be ready at some point.
And if you feel ready to start living more open-heartedly now, that’s great. Pay attention to the voice inside of you that’s telling you it’s time. Deep down, you know what’s the next step. Maybe it’s seeking professional help – like I did. Maybe it is to start creating something you’ve been wanting for the longest time. Maybe it is something else.
Only you know what your path is about.
I invite you to take the next step – whatever that may be.